I’ve been thinking about writing a post like this for a while. I don’t really know why and it’s not really meant to be serious, but I just had a sudden urge to vocalise a lot of the things that churn around in my head. Being a woman is great, it really is, but equally it can be a pain in the backside. Sometimes I think it would be much easier to be a guy and not have to worry about the 100 different things we process before even leaving the house, but then I remember the power of lipstick and celebrate the fact I can get away with fake tan. These are my ten things I love and hate about being a woman… What are yours?
Things I hate about being a woman
1. The need to put on makeup every day so someone doesn’t ask me if I’m ill. Apparently if I’m without foundation or mascara I look like I’m about to vom.
2. That week before your period when your boobs have a growth spurt, everything aches and none of your underwear fits properly. God help me being pregnant.
3. Tights. Whoever invented them was an evil genius – they may keep me warm and prevent the world from putting up with pasty legs, but pulling them up from around your ankles is not ladylike.
4. Having to walk around on tiptoes wearing high heels, just because dresses don’t hang properly when you’re in flats. Or maybe that’s just because I’m a little over 5ft something?
5. The time it takes me to do my hair, no matter where I’m going or how long it is – I envy men who just shower and add in some V05.
6. Feeling the pressure to look like Jessica Alba in a bikini, but actually being closer to Rosie O’Donnell (thanks to eating too many cupcakes.)
7. Having to spend a fortune every month on sanitary products, when I’d much rather divert that into another glass of champagne. It’s just not fair, dammit.
8. Getting wacked in the face by a rogue breast whenever I attempt to run – no sports bra can even come close to helping with this, so I just walk fast instead.
9. Breaking a nail. This has got to be the most painful and inconvenient thing to happen to a woman outside of childbirth; I can only imagine it’s comparable to being kicked in the balls.
10. Stomach cramps when you need them the least, i.e. during a camping holiday, in the middle of a really important meeting, or when you’re hungover and want to crawl into a ball and die slowly.
Things I love about being a woman
1. Makeup. If I’m feeling rubbish or need to make myself into a sexy vamp when I’d rather be in PJs, makeup transforms while covering all the bits you don’t want people to see.
2. Having the option of skirts, dresses or trousers – imagine getting up every day and asking yourself if you want to wear the black trousers or the black trousers?
3. Having long hair (Hanson doesn’t count) and being able to style it in lots of different ways, transforming a look from day to night using only a curling wand. If you’re a dude how can you even make the transition without putting on a suit?
4. Nail varnish – I love it. Painting a completely unnecessary part of your body is utterly therapeutic, whilst allowing you to channel a trend from the catwalk in under ten minutes.
5. Being able to get away with a day in the spa or a facial, without the need to pretend it’s for a reason other than I fancy it. Pampering ‘me time’ is part of the package.
6. Magazines like Stylist constantly pushing the boundaries and paving the way for future generations – empowerment is the buzz word of our generation. But…
7. Getting away with jumping into the newly empty seat on the tube, fluttering my eyelashes and smiling sweetly at the guy that probably wanted it just as much as me. (What?!)
8. Dressing slutty and calling it fancy dress – every other day of the year it would be frowned upon to leave the house in next-to-nothing, but call it a costume and you’re all good.
9. Slippers. My feet are cold and I want something novelty-adorned to warm my feet. Men just can’t get away with furry dog slippers and reindeer socks without looking like a wally.
10. Being able to use the period excuse for almost anything, as long as it’s directed at a man. See their discomfort ooze out of every pore as you explain why you’re late for work/haven’t finished that report/need to go on the 5th coffee run of the day.
So, what do you love and hate about being a woman?